OK, so I’ve never really been a shapewear enthusiast. The very thought of having to wrap myself into a spandex mummy sack makes me want to curl up and cry, but I’m a rampant apple shape and any attempt to fit into a sexy dress inevitably ends in bitter disappointment.
I can’t tell you how many battles I have lost against those horrible torture devices. My last run-in happened at my friend’s wedding, where I was forced to wear a cocoon body shaper in order to squeeze into my very pretty, very expensive, tailored dress. Long story short, I (like so many before me), ended up having to cut my way out of the damned thing.
I couldn’t eat more than a couple of mouthfuls, so the champagne must have hit me like a riot stick. Beaten and bruised, I swore off any form of undergarment and decided to go the floaty route instead.
Fast forward a few years and here I am in sunny California, home to the most unreasonably gorgeous people on the planet, determined to have one heck of a summer. So, when the opportunity popped up to tag along to The Bungalow - a stylish watering hole in Santa Monica filled with even more outrageously beautiful people per square feet - I saw no other recourse than to go knocking (tail between my legs) on my old friend’s door.
My original intention was to wear a short dress and a pair of killer heels... until I was introduced to the stunning Jewel Toned range of miraculous shapewear. Effortlessly slipping into the Major Mini Dress made me think of the wonderful Meryl Streep in Death Becomes Her, when she watches in front of the mirror as her bits and bobs magically perk up. I felt so great, there was no way I was going to wear anything else on top. So off I went, never missing a chance to check my new figure on any reflective surface.
My favourite part of the evening was being able to eat (some amazing nosh at that) and sit, breathe, go to the loo, and do all of those things a girl takes for granted when she is not having her curves strapped into place.
Even more amazing was to be offered a drink by an enthusiastic and thoroughly adorable Sean Bean look-alike: “Darling, that dress is fabulous! Is it vintage Dolce & Gabbana?”
The next morning I had three business cards in my purse and five new numbers saved to my mobile. I’m not gonna lie to you, having recently broken up with my ex-boyfriend, I absolutely revelled in the attention!
So here it is: if you are sick of corsets, hooks and crotch holes, if peripheral artery disease is not for you, if you want to look and feel amazing, give these bad boys a whirl. I promise you won’t be disappointed!